i'm awake, but still crashed and broken, i know now that i can be stronger if i choose to, and I do choose to I can't say that i'm ever gonna get over "him" but I can put him to the side for others to let in. I'm stupid to keep on going to like him, but i can't help it. I know there may be no out come, but i just can't let go as much as i want to. it's gay, cause i really did try to keep him. I kissed him on the cheek, his boo boo's, i messed around with him, i hugged him tight, and let him hug me, we talked alot on the phone until he stopped calling, we talked for 2 fridays for 2-3 from like midnight til 2am, and i loved it. I wouldn't take those back for anything. He was the first boy i told them that i liked him, first. I really like him ALOT. i set myself up for this, and i knew it, but i was willing to take this fall, But i hadn't meant it to be like this at all. I thought of something more happier. this is like the 2nd time he did this to me, and i'm so tired of it. ask any of my bestfriends and you'll know how much i like him. I'm know i'm gonna hurt when he flirts with other girls now, now that i know he doesn't like me, it doesn't matter, cause he has other girls in mind. Everytime i see him online, and he doesn't bother to IM me. i just sit there staring at my buddylist, then i get tired of it, and go on away. I really wanted to delete him off of my phone book, but once again i couldn't. I also tried taking him of my buddylist, but i couldn't. i just couldn't what i can do is change my sn password. because he made it for me. I'm really friggin sad right now, cause i gave in all i could, and it's like he refused it. if i could go back i would start the fxck over cause i learned from my mistakes, and one of them is not to fall give in so fast, "and if you want me back youre gonna have to ask nicer then that." - the used. Here i come "the used stage" i think i made it a game to play your game and watch myself die, i burried myself alive on the inside so i could shut you out, and let you go away for a long time... i'm dead now, i've been dead before, and i'm dead again. I'm gonna live life a different way now, i'm tired of this shxt happening over and over again, what the fxck did i do to deserve this bull shxt, well i guess i've yet to find out. maybe it's that cycle my brother has been talking about what comes around goes around, maybe this is whats suppose to happen... and i don't think i can accept it. but i'll force myself. Positive awakeness, i'm not gonna fight laying down, I realize what's happening, i know what i have to do is to not know what i'm gonna do. Because i know that God will guide me through thick and thin. God will be there for me. I feel like i'm falling off a cliff, but i know it was probably meant to be like this...

factoid #8: (and entry from my jak journal me, ama, and jessi keep, this is something i said.) " heh, man i like him so much, it's like all i do is think of him when i'm bored or if i just see him, in class 1&2 period, i'm usually just waiting and getting all excited to see him on my way to 3rd period =) sometimes i'm so happy i jump in my seat. I know i'm a little nerd. Don't remind me. haha."

Hey you guys, Been extremely confused lately, and unsure, I had an blog entry, and i took it out of the end of the day. I wasn't sure anymore if i wanted anyone to read it. So I deleted it. I've been unsure of myself, and confused at the most, I don't know if it's just hormones, or if this is real. So i got a hair cut yesterday because I wanted short hair, at one point in my life, then grow it out. However i found it ridiculous to just grow it all long, then cut it short, so i cut it and now i'm gonna grow it out, and besides I didn't really enjoy the small layer of hair the only thing that made it touch my shoulders, for goodness sake it wasn't even leveled, so yeah that's another reason. Okay, Anyways... Well afterschool, i felt odd, i wasnt sure how to feel, is it that i need more faith in myself, or I am reading the signs PERFECTLY it would be nice if someone, preferrable him to just tell me straight. So that i wouldn't be stuck here wondering, and thinking about him all the time. Which infact i do, especially 2 period and lunch. 2 period i always get myself hyped cause i'm gonna see him in passing period, but ( ----update: libertie just called me, and she went to this one schools talent show and friggin Mae iS PLAYiNG!! man i'm friggin jealous of her!!! ahh you suck poo lib!! haha syke i love you still, but try to get an autograph!!---) i always seem to find that i don't even get to say hi to him or get a hug or any eye contact, I just watch him walk away, You know i only wait there just to see him. And everyone knows that, haha Jamie knows that and Daniel knows it too. hah. yeah, okay. anyways. lunch was the same boring stuff, get money buy cookies, go to basketball courts talk to people Shower bell rings me and ama start running thinking it's the actual bell, and that's pretty much it. NOTHiNG SPECiAL, I have this stupid thought that maybe he would come out to lunch, but i know that he won't so i just set myself up for that. Okay I realize alot of people read my blog, so for now i'm just gonna try not to expose myself as much. Afterschool went to MN's got "suprised" hah, yeah no more info on that, if you really want to know what i mean, IM me, and if i think i can tell you then i'll tell you. After ly came too, and she was also "suprised" we left after a while, Cyrill's in MN now. Whoo!! Okay we walked to Jackies house, then went to Jessi, finished our 2nd song. Yay!! we were home alone so we pretty much got crazy and stupid. Haha, man they played like bumper chairs, haha. Well it was fun that's all i can say. Kept most of my mind off of things. So i'm good. went home at like 7:30 exactly on the dot. =) Then yeah i gotta clean my room cause Jessi's gonna come to my house and maybe Athena in the morning. So i think i'll be up till 11 the latest. Okay Well had an interesting day and i've too lazy to proof read so i'll have none of that sort. Alright guys, good night, Have sweet dreams. I love you.

factoid #6: summer of 02 if i didn't go out with athena, i'd roll on the floor as a hobby.